I’m never enough
19 Aug 2010 6 Comments
in Bedraggled Mum, Parenthood Tags: Mommy, Mother, Squidge, Tired, Work
Today was not a particularly brilliant day. To be fair, I’m never fluffy and joyful when on antibiotics and currently the ones I am on are kicking me up and down the street. Sods. So, in this bedraggled state my mind turned inwards and the usual issues I have with parenthood.
Guilt.
It’s like a sore tooth that I can’t stop poking with my tongue. I am constantly swamped with the fear, no, terror that I am not enough for her. I don’t teach her well enough. Pay her the right attention. Discipline her the right way. And so the list goes on.
If I shout at her it upsets her so much. My stern voice is crap. It sounds like I am yelling, and she says to me, “No, don’t shout at me, mommy,” and then her little face crumples. And so do I. Suddenly it’s ok that she was dancing on the table on the train, because that is so irrelevant compared to her tears.
And yet it’s not.
As mothers we have to be so damn strong. Strong enough to stare those tears in the face and stick to our guns. Caving now means a spoiled child later. We have to know when it’s manipulation, and when it’s the real thing. When we react to something we have milliseconds to determine whether our reactions are valid, or because we’re having a bad day, or because we’re feeling guilty, or because we are tired, or because, because, because.
I have a lot of guilt.
The times I have shouted for no reason and made her cry. I was stressed and exhausted but she shouldn’t suffer because of that. The times I was so distracted by emails/clients and my own issues that I didn’t see her trying to show me a picture she drew for me, or give me a hug. The times I was intolerant of her bad behaviour only to realise that she was actually sick.
The worst was her throwing a monster wibbly in a charity shop, me getting very upset and embarrassed , us going home, and her proceeding to deliver Exorcist style vomit all over the lounge. I spent hours whipping myself for that one.
You see, I want her to feel loved and supported. To know right from wrong. To be proud of herself and her family. To grow up as issue free as possible and to keep her natural happiness in life. As an adult I am a bit of a mess. How the hell am I supposed to do this right?
Parenthood.
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Aug 20, 2010 @ 05:04:51
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever that your beautiful daughter knows that you love her more than anything else in the whole wide world.
I too am sometimes too quick with a harsh word – but I’ve learned to just to try to take a split second to consider my response before I let rip. Children are testing boundaries all the time, and sometimes they push harder than others. It’s up to us to show them what’s cool and what’s not, and they wouldn’t be children if they didn’t test us and the structures we try to give them, all the time.
And if there’s one lesson for your precious in all of this: It’s ok not to be perfect, it’s completely ok to be human. Really, it is. You try your very best, and one day when she grows up, she will know that that’s the most important – to try her very best, no matter what.
Love you.
Aug 20, 2010 @ 08:25:13
Ohhh, I love you to Kerry Pie. It’s so true. You have said what I struggled to last night, that really it’s that split second decision making thing that can be so difficult to manage.
Aug 19, 2010 @ 23:02:53
I know how you feel. My middle child has Asperger’s Syndrome and truthfully I really struggle with his behaviour. I really need a fountain of eternal patience but I haven’t got one and boy do I feel bad about that. I know he can’t help his behaviour and feel so guilty that I find it hard to deal with. Parenthood indeed!
Aug 20, 2010 @ 08:28:12
Oh Tilly! That is hard. I bet you are far better at managing your font of patience than you give yourself credit for. As mums, I find we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Have a virtual hug.
Aug 19, 2010 @ 21:24:25
Sounds like you need to read this. Essential reading for Guilt-Stricken mums! http://21stcenturymummy.com/2010/08/12/what-makes-a-bad-mother/
21st Century Mummy recently posted..Taking Fear To A Whole New Level
Aug 20, 2010 @ 08:30:19
Ohhhh, your post made me cry!