19 Aug 2010 6 Comments
Today was not a particularly brilliant day. To be fair, I’m never fluffy and joyful when on antibiotics and currently the ones I am on are kicking me up and down the street. Sods. So, in this bedraggled state my mind turned inwards and the usual issues I have with parenthood.
It’s like a sore tooth that I can’t stop poking with my tongue. I am constantly swamped with the fear, no, terror that I am not enough for her. I don’t teach her well enough. Pay her the right attention. Discipline her the right way. And so the list goes on.
If I shout at her it upsets her so much. My stern voice is crap. It sounds like I am yelling, and she says to me, “No, don’t shout at me, mommy,” and then her little face crumples. And so do I. Suddenly it’s ok that she was dancing on the table on the train, because that is so irrelevant compared to her tears.
And yet it’s not.
As mothers we have to be so damn strong. Strong enough to stare those tears in the face and stick to our guns. Caving now means a spoiled child later. We have to know when it’s manipulation, and when it’s the real thing. When we react to something we have milliseconds to determine whether our reactions are valid, or because we’re having a bad day, or because we’re feeling guilty, or because we are tired, or because, because, because.
I have a lot of guilt.
The times I have shouted for no reason and made her cry. I was stressed and exhausted but she shouldn’t suffer because of that. The times I was so distracted by emails/clients and my own issues that I didn’t see her trying to show me a picture she drew for me, or give me a hug. The times I was intolerant of her bad behaviour only to realise that she was actually sick.
The worst was her throwing a monster wibbly in a charity shop, me getting very upset and embarrassed , us going home, and her proceeding to deliver Exorcist style vomit all over the lounge. I spent hours whipping myself for that one.
You see, I want her to feel loved and supported. To know right from wrong. To be proud of herself and her family. To grow up as issue free as possible and to keep her natural happiness in life. As an adult I am a bit of a mess. How the hell am I supposed to do this right?
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