Some wee, some poo and playdough…
08 Sep 2010 3 Comments
in Bedraggled Mum, Parenthood, Slightly Insane Tags: Child, Cleaning, Mother, Poo, School, Wee
Today I took another child home with me.
No, I didn’t abduct her and, yes, her parents and teachers were all ok with this. No, you can’t phone them and ask them what the hell they were thinking.
I wasn’t hugely OK with it, though. Not in a “urgh I don’t want to look after their child” way. It was a “oh god what if she falls down or a car hits her on the way home and if she cries and eeek” kind of way.
My paranoia apparently has no bounds and has happily expanded into the realm of child care and babysitting. Great.
(wipes sarcasm off screen)
It all started out wonderfully. These two adorable little girls held hands all the way home, laughing and skipping and having a fabulous time. We got home without any accidents, mishaps or rogue out-of-control getaway vehicles accidentally running over us while racing away from the police. Brilliant!
I began preparing their lunch (school is STILL finishing at a ludicrous hour) and heard a quiet little voice from the loo, “Squidge’s Mommy? Can you help me?”
I innocently ambled over. There was wee everywhere. And our bathroom slopes a bit (old house) so it had run into the laundry basket, the toilet paper holder, the wall, the toilet cleaning supplies and the bath mat.
This was ok. I’ve dealt with this before. I am a Pro Wee Wrestler. I have considered making a badge. Soon the damp was done, the clothes in the laundry, the child cleansed and wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, the floor smelling of fresh pine disinfectant. It Was All Good. Anything that isn’t asparagus wee is a Good Thing.
I managed to feed the children. Clothe the children (in matching outfits obviously – thank god for gym clothes). Feed myself. Tidy up.
At this point I was already quite tired.
Then came the playdough. How it got out of its confines (a sticky drawer that’s a bugger to open) I will never know, but when it got out it did it properly. The walls, the rocking horse, the floor, the bed, the school clothes, the laundry. This stuff is like some kind of ectoplasmic life form. I swear the people who invented it are crying with laughter right now.
Bastards.
After bending into positions that a woman of my age finds spectacularly hard to do (I creak) I got most of that dastardly stuff tidied away. The girls were happily playing with dolls (aaaaah) and I collapsed onto the sofa.
“Moooommmeeeee”
Oh. What. Now.
“Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! I need some help.”
I will never know how my daughter managed to get poo on her shirt, her shorts, her legs, her hands, her hair, the toilet seat, the toy mirror, the floor and the walls. I’m not entirely sure I want to know. THIS was a New Situation.
Now,I am not good with New Situations. Well, I am, but not when they involve bodily fluids. Seriously. Wee I can deal with. Vomit is sort of ok. Poo Is Not. Baby poo – yes. Child poo – no.
I approached the poo covered human that was once my child with the same zeal as I did the wee, except this demanded a bath. Taps on, disinfectant out, clothes off, tissues out, wipe away poo.
However, this had set. Like cement. Cement poo. It refused to budge off my child. Seriously, what do you do when faced with a stubborn poo? Here, I’ll tell you.
You leave your child sitting naked on the toilet while the bath runs. You abandon her to ensure the other child hasn’t been utterly traumatised by the entire affair. You return to the bathroom and replace your child on the toilet. You clean all non-human surfaces with hot hot hot water. You grab a cloth that you will NEVER use again, smother it in soap and remove the poo from her skin.
You throw BOTH children in the bath because, frankly, there’s been way too much poo and wee to comfortably hand a child back to its parents without worrying about giving them a rare disease.
AS you put both children in the bath you hear the doorbell ring and realise that you missed a text from the aforementioned child’s parents saying, “We’ll be there in ten.”
You can’t make this stuff up.
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3 Comments (+add yours?)
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Sep 08, 2010 @ 21:34:40
“Snicker Snicker” – Sorry too busy giggling at the thought of the look of horror on your face and glad there is someone else in the world who these things happen to and I am not alone on this planet, and deciding the custard sprayed all over I’s bedroom tonight not so bad after all. How about a huge glass of vino instead when I see you next and well done for even contemplating doing the school pick up thing!!
Sep 08, 2010 @ 21:12:05
You’re SUPPOSED to send me chocolate!
Sep 08, 2010 @ 21:09:28
I nearly wet myself reading that!!