11 Nov 2010 1 Comment
Think about it. You have your opposing team (the other parents and kids), the goal (somehow getting your child into the classroom), you have the ball (your child), and you have foul play and a blind ref.
Your morning consists preparing for the match (feeding everybody, and not leaving house like complete pigsty that social services would faint over), wearing the appropriate gear, and racing up the field.
Along the way you’ll encounter opponents that use all forms of foul play – scooters, buggies, double prams, apparent blindness.
As you approach the goal you are surrounded and swamped. Hundreds of small yet strangely powerful creatures thwack into your legs in mini-tackles as you stagger to the finish.
Also your ball is now not co-operating. Think a rugby ball in the rain. Your ball is currently trying to wriggle away from you and the final goal. Your ball is trying to make friends with an opposing ball while you remove its excess clothing.
These two balls will then giggle and dance while you are beaten over the head with other bags, rucksacks, parents, balls, shoes and jackets. Occasionally a wellie boot will go into your mouth. This is not foul play. This is considered standard practise.
Sadly, unlike rugby, the only screaming is the other balls. There are no fans standing and yelling as you triumphantly place both your ball and its school bag into their appropriate places. Unless you count the faint screaming in your head which may, or may not, be triumph. It could be your inner trapped human.
How to prepare:
- Wear a thick coat with a furry hood. Opponents realise that you can’t see them and move out of your way. This probably wouldn’t work in summer.
- Wellie boots. Opponents believe that you are tough farmer type, and carefully move their balls out of the way. These are the footwear of choice for the Os du Rand’s of the world.
- Spikes on book bag. Before attempting this, note that you may alienate your opponents forever. Pretend spikes made from rubber are fine. You can say you have a Goth ball.
- Tissues. Clamp tissues to your face and cough wetly. Disease is something most opponents will go out of their way to avoid. Note: If you use this tactic too often, opponents may think you have the plague and you will be permanently ignored.
- Roaring. Grab your ball, start running, and release a roar. Opponents may be startled into stillness and you can use this opportunity to weave between them to the finish line.
And people wonder why I am so tired by 9am.
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